Do It Scared

On Vulnerability

Life is brilliant and ugly and messy and unfortunately there is no other option. I am a menace to vulnerability, and I yearn for it! But to open up to somebody feels like open heart surgery – it is intricate and high risk and if it doesn’t go well then suddenly, they are standing there staring at me with my blood on their hands, and I have to sew myself back up alone, with no anaesthetic. Further, I feel so hurt and dejected that I keep that puncture open partially, as evidence in anticipation for some sort of trial that will obviously never come. Putting on an outfit in the morning feels like dressing a wound.

This struggle with vulnerability isn’t ideal, as I also have attachment issues and cannot handle the idea of something ever being over. At the same time, the idea of something lasting forever is completely petrifying. I am the least transient person I know. I am a Capricorn through and through. But the moment I meet someone that I like, whether it be a friend or romance, I grow on them like moss. I hold on so tight and for so long, only to eventually open my hand and realise there is nothing there, and there hasn’t been for a long time. I want a partner but unfortunately dating me feels like being deployed to war. I am of the opinion that you should be so viscerally yourself, and if the people around you cannot handle it then they are not meant for you. But at the same time, I think Christ girl, why do you have to let a situation get as bad as it possibly can before deciding to put a lid on it? It’s like I sit there and think yeah this is pretty bad, but not as bad as it will be soon, when I purposefully make it worse. My body tells me to be wary very early on, but every time I ignore my instincts and hit self-destruct. I am impulsive and intense. I know my limits and do not respect them. It’s like knowing something is flammable and burning it in advance just to get it over with. It didn’t have to ever burn. People say you don’t know what you got til it’s gone, but real losers such as myself know exactly what they have and exactly how they are going to get rid of it.

When you’re with a partner, they usually apologise for being too much and all you want to do is grab their face and tell them too much? I can barely get enough of you! But suddenly when you and your partner break up, they become inescapable. They are suddenly omnipresent, like a god. Or an airborne disease. Or maybe something in between those two.

Destroying the short-term dopamine feedback loop is a tough gig. I’m working the case. I am opportunistically reckless, I love moments of luck and mischief, I am a sucker for lust and a kiss on the temple.

I don’t have a point here. Maybe it is that vulnerability is scary, but you cannot build connection without it. Do it scared. Maybe the other point is to not let people treat you like an option. You are so much more than that. You are inevitable and unavoidable and relentless. A true horror beyond comprehension. A bad omen. A very real threat. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

#ipromiseihaveredeemingqualities #godknowswhattheyare